Quotes To Live By #1

“Maybe I should use less TNT for this…” -Lord Dynex

On a side note, we got two spam comments on how to enlarge your, you know…

So if anyone is interested, we can help redirect you to get some help… I guess…

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Lord Dynex

School Buses

A big truck rolls up in front of your house, stops, and waits for your kids. The driver smiles, more of a grimace, as your little innocent kids get on that big mysterious truck, and sit down in uncomfortable, miserable seats with the other screaming children.

Sound like some creepers truck kidnapping your kids?

Change the truck’s color to yellow and you have a school bus? But does yellow really make that a safe thing? Why would they choose yellow as a color? What makes yellow so great that it was chosen to use for a school bus?

Well, let’s think about this. What things are also yellow? Let’s start with the easy one; the sun. The sun is a big, bright, life-giving orb in the sky that we, in a sense, worship. But, as in Inception, “we have to go deeper”. What else do we know about the sun? Well, it uses nuclear fission to provide heat. A lot of heat. Vaporizinly (now a word) hot heat. So we can assign heat, fire, power, life, and death with the sun.

Another thing that’s yellow are caution signs and tape. A crime happens, and all the sudden, BAM! Caution tape all over the place. I bet they just put it up for fun. Caution! Caution! Caution! Donuts on sale! Donuts on sale! Everybody close everything down and put some caution tape around it while we go get donuts! And does the caution tape even do anything? No! It’s just tape! Walk right through it! If anything, it inclines people to go there even MORE! So we can associate caution tape with donuts, interest, hunger, and cops.

One last thing to help us solve this mystery. Lemons. Just like that saying, “When life gives you lemons, squirt life in the eye and then go get ice cream.” Lemons are also the mascot of the Lemon Party. So we can associate lemons with life, pain, parties, and ice cream.

Now that we know what the color yellow is associated with, we can mash this whole thing together. What are school buses really trying to say by being painted yellow? Well obviously they’re power hungry cops looking for donuts who are interested in death by heat and fire, willing to take life away at a painful ice cream party. I wouldn’t ride a school bus if I were you.

Proper Uses of the Word “Like”

Think of the last time you heard someone say “like.” I’ll bet two of your dollars that they used it incorrectly.

I think people may have forgotten that “like” is not the same as inhaling, and since I have no problem forcing my (nonsensical) opinions on other people, I’ll take this opportunity to point out a few of the ways you can say “like.” This is, by no means, all the ways, but that’s never stopped me before.

1. As verbal quotation marks.

I was with Azazel* and he was freaking out, so I was just like, “dude, it’s all groovy.”

Now, obviously, I didn’t actually say, “dude, it’s all groovy.” That would’ve been strange, because the seventies ended about thirty-one years ago. Still, it captures the essence of what I actually said: “shut up and deal with it, you gigantic wimp.”

2. As part of a simile.

She was like lightening—very fast and constantly hitting trees.

            This is one of the more common uses of the word “like,” and it’s actually the stem from which several of the others grow in agitating glory. Number One, verbal quotation marks, is actually just a fancy version of Number Two, because the words inside the verbal quotation marks are the second part of an unstated simile.

3. As a verb.

I like attics.

            We all know what verbs are.

4. Showing how things are similar.

I’ve never seen anything like your attic!

This is comparable the simile one, except not. It means that something shares qualities or characteristics with something else.

I recognize that it can be pretty difficult to remove a verbal hiccup akin to “like,” but it is possible. You could try similar filler words—“er,” “uh,” “um,” “hmm,” “guh,” “tss,” or absolute silence.

Personally, I prefer “dinosaur.”

You’re welcome,

The Entropist

 

*Azazel is Hebrew for “scapegoat.” It is unclear whether the name comes from the location of a goat sacrifice or an evil desert demon.

Idioms for Idiots

Idioms. Who came up with them, anyway? They make no sense, and yet everyone uses them! (sort of like oil… but that’s another story). Seriously, though, when you can change one letter in a word and make it spell, “idiot,” you know you’ve got a problem.

Ever wondered where they came from? Why someone wanted to break a leg, anyway? Me too. So, I’ve compiled a list of some of the oddest ones I can think of. Feel free to leave your strange idioms/explanations below the post!

Easy as cake/pie. Now this one’s just insulting. Last time I baked a cake, I cooked it to a crisp. Maybe someone made this one up just to be obnoxious. . . huh. . . sounds like something I would do.

To blow one’s top: This is a tough one. Perhaps it dates back to the first days of Hanukah. I can just picture budding Jewish scholars gathered by lamp light and hunched over their game of dreidel, eagerly blowing on the spinning tops for good luck.

Blue in the face. Ummm.. what the heck? Did this idiom’s creator have contact with martians? Did he see the movie Avatar?

Low Blow. (Insert perverted joke here)

Pooped. Well, this isn’t much better. I’ve got a hunch that this one was created in memory of some poor individual with severe constipation. Must have been allergic to laxatives. He was huffing and puffing every time he came back from the outhouse. Maybe he turned blue in the face, as well…?

Give someone a hand. Could date back to ancient proto-surgery. Hand donors? Or, maybe it was customary among Neanderthals to sever an enemy’s hand, and then give it to a friend as a gift. This would explain the need for donors, as well. Which brings me to thinking. . . does anyone want a spare hand? You see, I’ve got this corpse in my basement, and I’m not exactly sure what to do with the hands. . . call me if you’re interested.  Anyway,  “Beats me” and “beat his brains out” could also date back to around this time.

Grab a bite. Now this one just takes the stupidity cake, no? I mean, really? Back to what I said about idiot vs. idiom.  Honestly, how bright do you have to be to realize that you eat a bite? You don’t grab it. That is, unless you don’t have a mouth. So you eat with your hands. Uhhh. . .  okay.

That’s all the stupidity for now.

~ JstAddWtr

Advice Installment #1

Advice That Might Get You Arrested

Warnings:

1. Some of my advice could be misinterpreted as “illegal.”

2. I do not believe in facts.

3. Consequentially, facts do not believe in me.

8. The number eight does not belong here.

4. I don’t speak Spanish. Sorry.

8. This is the second eight.

Q: My boyfriend broke up with me, but I still love him. What do I do?

A: Stalk him. Stalk him till he loves you back.

Q: I-uh, tah, how do, I-yuy, study for me-uh, my history exam? (direct quote)

A: Step one, open a book (the things with words in them). Step two, read the words. Step three, understand the words. Step five, learn to count.

Q: How do I protest the dress code?

A: In Ancient Greece, nudity was an accepted part of everyday life. If you’d really like to protest the dress code, I would highly advice not showing up to school naked. That is now referred to as “illegal.”

If you are not interested in getting arrested, I would suggest wearing a parka. Angrily. Wear a parka angrily.

–

The Entropist

Submit your own questions to be thoughtfully answered by our team!

Better to be thought a fool…

People are full of stupid things to say. If you’re going to talk to me, make it brief. I absolutely hate lectures. As you might imagine, what really gets to me is when people add little (or big) unnecessary or ill-fitting words or phrases into their sentences, possibly because they think they sound smarter because of it. If you are one of these people, a word of warning:everyone can already tell you’ve got the brain-power of a decomposing sea cucumber, so keep it short and sweet.

A prime example of this mental diarrhea would be the improper use of the word, “literally.” Have you ever been around one of those people who uses “literally” in every other sentence? Incorrectly?

“Really, now?” I find myself wondering. “Were you literally bored to death?”

Note: If you find yourself wondering what is wrong with that situation, you probably cause me pain on a daily basis. I recommend that you go tape your mouth shut. Literally.

Another one of these terrible words is, of course, “like.” Enough said.

You know what else bothers me? Bad analogies. Folks, analogies are supposed to be easy understand. If you can’t explain it with an analogy, just stop trying. Please.

This seems to be a difficult concept for many. In fact, there’s even a politician who has yet to grasp it. Here is his opinion on gay marriage, dating back to a couple of weeks ago. See if you can guess who it is:

“It’s like in golf, a lot of people — I don’t want this to sound trivial — but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive.”

He not only made very little sense there, he also managed to make it sound trivial. Yup, it’s Mr Trump, alright. Trump, if you read this, take note that you should work on your analogies. And while you’re at it, get some real hair. Oh wait. Oops. . . that is your real hair, isn’t it? Sorry.

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JstAddWtr

Hey, this was submitted by an unofficial writer! Send us an e-mail if you want your article to be on this site!

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